Fear, Panic, & Head Condoms: Learning to Swim as an Adult

This last week I've been doing something that has/had been on my vision board/bucket list/conquer-this-fear list for years.

I’ve been taking adult swim lessons.

Even writing that now on what is going to be Day 5 still gives me jitters, and low key heart palpitations and I’m no where near a pool nor is it time for class.

I told my friends, “I let Brave Shai sign us up for swimming lessons and now I have to start going. Anxious Shai is not ready, and Frugal Shai is not going to let any of us waste money.”

I will freely admit now that I’m the very worst person in class & that has shaken me more than the panic I fight every other time my face and head are submerged under water.

Don’t blame my instructor, because he is the gentlest, most even keeled human I’ve ever met; think the old black man version of James Cromwell in "‘Babe’ but with swimming instead of herding.

I have to work hard to still my mind, and relax during class. The first night, I could barely dunk my head under for two seconds without feeling the need to head for the stairs and my vehicle.

Now, I can flutter kick face down in the water across the short side of the pool, the rest of the stuff we’re learning. I can’t do it. At All.

I struggle with coordination. Every time a new step is added, I lose all my rational thoughts and start struggling in the water like I haven’t just learned what to do or practiced all the previous steps dozens of times.

I fight panic when I can feel the water churning too much near me.

I hate being the worst person in a class.

Any Class.

This goes against my nature, I hate looking bad and loathe for people (even strangers) to see me struggle; so I keep showing up each night trying to get better.

The instructor, Mr. Mike told us that to learn to swim or float on your back, you have to be able to relax. And I cannot relax, I’m too tightly wound.

I’ve known most of my life that I’m uptight, (my Uncle Bubba would remind me of this often enough), but it was a revelation to me that other people were not. Floating on my back is a struggle, because that requires you to be completely at ease.

Even sitting alone in my house, I don’t think I can achieve that level of ease without some type of external vice being added like sugar or alcohol. I’m going to have to work through this in therapy.

I’m debating whether or not to sign up for another round of lessons, because I haven’t completely overcome the fear and panic.

Also, swim caps aka head condoms are of the devil.