Dating Profile Language: A Cynical Romance Writer's Interpretation
In my corner boy from The Wire voice, or in my Eddard “Ned” Stark voice “Valentine’s Day is coming.” Either way accept the gloom that I’m trying to inject into those four words.
Single people all over the world have been trying to find someone to make this day not so lonely. Lately, my timeline has been full of dating apps, and articles, and listicles full of dating advice.
I myself have been known to dabble on the various dating apps seeking…well, we’ll leave that for another post.
Some things I’ve noticed are that the same words appear in almost all the profiles. It’s like there is an unofficial man’s glossary and most are reading from the same page (because it’s only a page long maybe?).
Here are a few KEYwords and my cynical romance writer’s interpretation
“Big Feet or Big Man”: This is supposed to be coded shorthand, and give the impression of a Big Dick. Don’t fall for it, they’re four inches at best.
Christian: Not the same as god-fearing, most likely raised in the church and has very conservative values and expectations of gender roles - except I want you to be a super freaky porn star in the bedroom.
Cook or Chef: Never expect a meal outside of my home because I want to “dazzle” you with my cooking. Likes to prey on plus sized women with this because a plate is the equivalent of sex.
Entrepreneur and it’s many misspellings: I can’t work a regular nine to five, so I sale (sell) a variety of products (some legal, some not so legal, some expired, some obsolete.) Check them out on my under construction website. Here is my business card with three scratched out numbers.
Free-spirited: I'm homeless and looking for somewhere to spend the winter since I beat up my Aunty's boyfriend and got kicked out.
Gamer: I‘m unemployed or underemployed & play video games between eight and ten hours a day because I’m bout to make it big as a gaming influencer but have not started a gaming channel because I’m still thinking of the besty-best-best name. Will still not have a channel in several years. OR I play poker and I'm in debt will need you to spot me.
God-fearing: Might be new to religion and was likely introduced to it through a 12 step program.
Good father: I haven’t seen my kids since birth because they mama mad that I don’t wanna be back with her. I also think child support is a scam.
Hard-working: I make minimum wage, OR I’m a truck driver, and I expect to go Dutch on our first three dates.
Homebody: I have poor social skills and I'm not taking your ass anywhere.
“I have a roommate”: I live with my mama, baby momma, girlfriend or wife.
Laid back: Wants a woman who isn’t afraid of speaking up, so they don’t have too.
Layed back: Not the same as laid back, looking for someone to do drugs with, and become their personal assistant filling out paperwork ranging from job applications to schoolwork.
“Likes to have fun”: I want sex, lots of sex and even drugged up sex.
Natural or All Natural: Don’t believe in contraception, and also pull out game weak. Has at least a handful of children with the requisite number of mothers for said quantity of children.
Nerd: I expect you to dress up as my favorite anime character for sex and I won't pay for the expensive ass costumes because I'm a lowlife with a small dick or I want you to perform oral sex on me while I play video games.
Outdoorsy: I want to hunt or fish and I’m not really interested in your hobbies unless they interfere with mine.
Quiet: I’ll rarely say anything, expecting you to carry ninety percentage of the conversation while I do ten percent of the listening.
Romantic: I want to do grand gestures, but will lose interest quickly once I have gotten your undivided attention.
“Searching for my Queen”: I want to lock you down, will get engaged after five to ten years and married when I’m about to fall into my grave. And have an oops baby on you, because we broke up for six hours.
Self-Employed: I'm a rapper and/or music producer and/or concert promoter. NO, I don't have a deal. NO, I don't do shows. NO, I don't have any talent. But, one day Imma make it. All I need is for Jayz to hear my soundcloud.
Sports fan or Die Hard Sports Fan: Bring me a sandwich and a beer and perform oral on me during halftime. I can remember stats from 1921 but I will forget to text you